Nature within me

You're the one I wanted to be with,
I longed for you.
I saw everyday passing with you in my arms,
with echoes of your voice still fresh in my ears.
I enjoyed that I could daydream of you,
forget today's worries and tomorrows challenges,
what paradise.

Then it struck!
hard!
I always feared this day would come
when it would permiate through
the thing I feared the most,
and I am helpless to this
I feared it would happen,
today it has struck,
not once,
not twice but three times it struck

Its like a switch in my head once it goes off
I lose control,
I had no time to get to the root of the problem before it struck,
the root is probably from my childhood,
some trauma I'm sure,
I know it can't be fixed in a day,
I didn't have enough time.

why o why me,
oh how I tried to suppress this nature within myself
I fear my dreams of us will be splinters after this,
I don't think I will ever get a chance at the happiness of companionship,
because everytime I think I'm there
my weakness becomes strong.

today I slept another woman,
today I struck.