I refuse to make this my rant for 2008 but oh well

I would like to revisit my bone of contention with the black community in Canada as a whole
We need to change!!! I believe I ranted last year about the same thing. I have taken my advice
I went to an all black semi-formal party. After a one year hiatus from these types of events, I was told the words that I hate to hear
“It is for the grown and mature"
Grown and mature my foot!!
I am beginning to believe the adage you can take them out of the hood but you can't take to hood out of them. (Actually the only way it can be done is through enlightenment)
I am not grown and mature but if what I saw was what grown and mature is expected to be, then I don't ever want to grow up!
The place was filled with all sorts of beautiful womens (obviously I didn't go there for guys), from the hood rats girls looking to hit the jackpot, to the educated also looking for an "educated black man"
First problem was, they all looked the same. Bloody dole out 200-300 dollars and buy yourself a bloody designer dress.
Then you can distinguish yourself. Shop in Yorkville, on Bloor Street, the 3rd floor of the Eaton centre every classy place you feel an inexplicable natural repulsion to. Maybe then we will see more black models on the runway because black people buy the expensive runway clothes. Open you mind!!! You don't all have to wear the dress Beyonce wore to be sexy, create YOUR own style. You don't have to wait till some guy takes you shopping, you have money spend it! Call it a social investment. When you do watch the calibre of guys that will step up to talk to you and tell me if it made a difference. Really, what do you do with your money?
You expect the guys to be on point with the expensive clothes so you can pick them out easily and yet you look the same as the hood rat next to you how on earth am I supposed to talk to you differently?
On the topic of speaking I think good conversation is important. Half these girls couldn't go further than saying their names!( it is a generalisation because obviously I didn't talk to half of the girls, probably wouldn't have made it to half.
Pick up a darn book and flip the pages, you don't have to read just flip the darn pages there might be pictures or an interesting paragraph. You are too busy keeping up appearances, appearances for who? For the “good man" I spit on the concept of "a good man". Most of these girls couldn't spot a good man if it would save their lives. The problem isn't that good guys don't approach them like they say. It’s just that their idea of a good man in conflict with reality.

Now I'm calm, I believe this is a disturbing fact, despite recent strides by Obama to put black people on the map (some may argue he's mixed but they didn't have that argument till he won the election). At a time where we should be breaking of the shackles of limitation and ascending in every realm including socially, most folk just are not ready to.
In my perspective to be ready, you must be willing to open your mind to meeting different people from different backgrounds, traveling the world, reading books and learning from all these as you go.
There is a void in this department. There is an apparent lack of social role models in the social department. So that the role models that exist at the moment should really be students in that department.
I'm not a social model but I have tried to explore various social circles and I know what I don't want my social model to be. These all black parties are nice and give people a chance to look and feel good. We cannot end there we must visit the "white clubs" and listen to their music, the Asian clubs, the Indian clubs. We must conform to the culture of other ethnicities when we are in their zone if we expect them to conform to ours in our zone. “When in Rome act like the Romans"
We cannot expect to grow and learn if we go to party with the same set of people and with people of our same race all the time.
I don't want you to like me... I know there is one person for me and all this nonsense serves as an extra confirmation.
I don't expect anyone to take this calmly I actually expect an internal revolt for change. Some might feel the need to defend themselves please go ahead feel free. I am open to learn.

My thoughts on leadership inspered by Astiz , Mugabe, Nixon

The reward of leadership is the affection of their followers
Some in attempting to become leaders and stay leaders forget this
The things they do to become leaders and stay leaders alienate them from the affection of their followers
When they finally achieve their aims, they would have succeeded in scarring and alienating those whose affection they sought.
It is now a worthless pursuit because there is no prize at the end

Woe is me for I am unloved

I figured I have to blurb before all my pieces, it looks short and simple but deeper than it seems on the surface to me anyways,

Woe is me for I am unloved,
I did it all
I spoke to her when I first saw her,
I called like I was supposed to,
I listened, I cared, I hugged, I cuddled, I kissed
Just the way the routine said
Now I'm outside the door and he's in the bedroom
I wonder to myself...
how after doing this dance, did I end up on this side of the door ?
why did I follow the routine in the first place?
If I was on the other side of the door would I still feel loved?

about a boy

I remember one of my favorite movies called about a boy starring Hugh Grant. The moral of the story was no man is an Island. Today it still remains true. No man can ever be an island, you need people to live. Life is like a stage play and everyone has their role in it. Its not a monologue.
Thinking about the how much help I've received from friends, once again I appreciate the importance of friendship.

The Burn

My hands are unsteady,
I'm out of breath,
feels like I had the wind knocked out of me,
I remember this feeling....
I last had it when someone died,
I feel perpetually hungry cos I lost my diet,
loud music in my ears
gazing into space intermittently
unanswered questions,
overwhelming emotions make my knees weak
could it be the death of something should I give up
should i chase and continue to get hurt
Maye I should cut my losses and move on save myself the pain
Well I'm in already here I might as well see how much more it could hurt

Long road

Its been a long day and we've come a long way,
Today I have the feeling I ran from for so long
and it burns
Broken hearted is and understatement
Day 1 has begun and tomorrow I will continue
I know this for a fact
Issues of the heart are never easy the best thing is to run
when you have a chance never open up till you're ready for the benefits and the hurts
I have grown from a boy to a man and this is yet another rite of passage
it burns and burns
the human heart is a fickle thing it has a lot of passion but not enough strength
to be stronger it must burn
bench presses, push ups etc don't do much for strengthening
it needs to be burnt and seared.
Usher said let it burn and I am burning
my fingers will soon steady up
but I hate it and I cant stand the idea that I might burn again
I want to burn no more I have burnt enough and I have paid my dues to the department of burns lol
for today bring all the burns and the overwhelming pain,
I will sit and burn today and tomorrow and next.
There are more pressing issues at hand eg staying in school....
So I will burn as I run, what a life.....
God help me.....

Waiting for the storm

I've been told there is a calm after the storm
I beg for the storm to come already
I need the calm
I sit here phased out
my pacy mind refuses to venture into troubled waters
Its been there before
too much hurt it say to me
too much hurt

The Absolut sits waiting
waiting to be poured all over the open wounds
but when will they be opened?
I fill my time up
I know its there lurking somewhere but I can't control when it hits
I lay on my back my armor is off my chest
"HIT ME ALREADY"
I scream in my head
"HURT ME ALREADY
RIP ME INTO PIECES
TEAR ME INTO SHREDS
LET THE HURT BEGIN
I'M TIRED OF WAITING FOR YOU
I'M TIRED OF RUNNING FROM YOU
I CHALLENGE YOU WHEREVER YOU'RE HIDING COME OUT
DO YOUR WORST
THIS GAME OF FEAR IS TIRING
DO YOUR WORST AND LETS BE DONE WITH IT
BRING THE PAIN"

I'm content

The crux of the issue remains,
People change,
people consistently change,
change is good.
It should be embraced,
not considered as a threat.
Instead should be applied to new areas,
see how long it can be stretched,
change means irreversibility.
Those who resisted it got replaced,
those who replaced it got resisted.
it means once the earth moves past a point in its revolution it doesn't come back to the same spot

Change means I have found my problem and fixed it,
I like my results and I'm happy the way things are.
I care but i'm not compromising on this issue.
It is a step in the right direction,
It is an ultimatum that spells you take it or leave.

Its results may bring a fear of irrelevance
if handled well they may just send you a couple of steps ahead
change is the result of an age old argument
and I'm tired of the age old argument.

My occasional friend

Hi my name is Simbi and my life just ended! You see
only a few times does my life come to a stand still ,
I am a career driven lady in my late 20's,
I own a house and a car.
I have a job as a consultant plus I make 6 digits a year.
I have no need for money,
I'm quite comfortable.

You see I have a friend who is a minister in South Africa,
we met at the airport one day and exchanged numbers.
We talked on the phone a couple of times,
he flies down to visit me about 2 times a year.
This has been going on for 5 years.
In that time I have dated 2 guys,
I used to tell them that I was leaving town to meet a relative,
their little brains couldn't perceive that I was at a 5 star hotel,
in the arms of my special friend.
Those relationships barely saw light of day,
something about me being too independent and too detached and unavailable etc.
Cut the story short they fell by the way side

He's married with 2 kids by the way,
I have no issue with that.
He calls me 2 weeks before he flies down,
for him I rearrange my plans.
He stays at mine,
we go shopping at the stores I like,
eat out at gourmet restaurants,
I make him try new dishes but he seems to be stuck in his ways,
If I were his wife I'd have taught him better.
About the sex hmm... lets just say that experience is not lacking.

When he's not around I don't roll around in bed missing him,
I pursue my career with ambition and work long hours,
I go home after 4pm.
I learnt from the 2 idiots I dated and now I don't date anyone else
besides I have a career to chase so I don't have time to date.
Some people say I just come off as hostile.
My circle of friends don't know about my special friend,
they just know I disappear occasionally.
I usually laugh it off,
keep those losers off my back,
if they knew what it feels like to date a minister,
the rush you feel when you're with him!

Now I sit its my 29th birthday
I'm with the same 3 friends from 6 years ago,
I used to have more I think some just felt neglected,
tough luck no time for babies.
Just got off the phone with the parents,
they were on about marriage .
I'm happy the way things are, who needs to be put through that headache
my 3 friends even though they are at my table,
seem to be more in blackberry world than with me,
I guess its more of a pity showing,
they'd rather not be here I can tell
Last time I went out with them,
oh I mean last time I did anything social was 2 years ago.
Oh a special day like this I wish I could be with someone special,
but I can't call my special friend,
he calls me.

The table across is beginning to annoy me they speak loudly,
laugh loudly and it seems like its a birthday,
she seems happy to have friends around,
I envy the way her boyfriend is making a fuss
I understand him he wants it to be perfect
my friend does that too.
He looks my way I blush and turn away,
why did I do that,
maybe I should flirt with him from far
after all I am attractive.
I do turn the heads of those young interns at the office
every year we get a new batch.
As male attention goes thats the most I get.
I'm not really a social creature so you will find me at home after 4pm
This outing is becoming more depressing than joyful,
the stupid waiter is inquiring about desserts,
I toss him the credit card .
He better hurry I'm ready to leave.

I beg you not to judge me just yet
hear me out:
I'm a loyal person I have always been from childhood,
a girl guide from elementary school till college,
I have been buying my toiletries from the same pharmacy since I moved here 4 years ago.
Its my nature when I find something I like I don't want to change it you know
this special friend I fell for,
yet again I might be in love
I fell in love with the romance we shared,
In love with the convenience our arrangement presented
I am free to pursue my career all but 3 times a year
I like it much
most guys I meet want me around all the time,
I can't do that,
I don't care if he is married I don't want to marry him

Just got off the phone with him
he told me he had resigned from his job;
some personal objections to the way the president was running the country,
not that I care not one for politics.
He also said that due to the way things have turned out in his career,
he will be unable to make his annual trips besides his family needs him more these days.
Nothing about me or how I feel,
I felt like I was just hit by a train!
I don't think he understood how important our arrangement was
the last 5 years flash before me,
my birthday cake still sits with 29 inscribed on the strawberry chocolate icing
I'm screwed!!!

I think they are learning

If anyone follows the whole piracy/ Copyright saga, you will find that the corporate powers that be in the entertainment industry have finally learnt one or 2 things.
I googled heroes online and found that you can also watch the episodes online now. If not for the stubborn online TV show posters on sites like tv-links.com who kept on posting links to tv shows even after they were taken down, we would have still been stuck with waiting 2 years to be able to get the season DVD when the season is over. the network giant learnt that the consumer is not neccessarily controlled by bar charts and pie charts. If the conditions you present to them are not satisfactory the consumer will leave your controlled environmnet(governed by demand and supply) and will go into the black market to get what they want. I say this because I wanted to buy my aunt an ER season DVD as a wedding gift because she always records it. I went to HMV to find that ER season DVD's were released about 4 seasons later( I could have just gone and downloaded the seasons I wanted online I chose to buy them and these guys were telling me to wait for 4 years). While I noticed they still have the practice on the ER DVD's it was good to see on the heroes website the season 2 DVD an blue ray disc are currently up for sale.
So in essence some lessons have been learnt and if we did not have the new generation of peopel who constantly challenge the norm. We will be stuck with these entertainment giants and their oppressive marketing strategies. Opressive because their strategies only made you pay for more things in order to get 1 thing.

No computer

I'm officially a blogger with no computer. Its part of my plan to pay more attention to the real people and things around me and use the internet time more efficiently

Juice for maintaining self confidence

I once read in a success magazine a quote froma renowned self improvement expert. I don't remember his name, but when asked why he kept setting goals and breaking records, he aswered " I don't know my mother used to tell me, son, you were born a 10, and you will die a 10 don't ever let anyone make you feel less than a 10 because you're not."
Think about it. Use it

My achievements this summer

1. I worked my first real engineering job.
2. I paid my rent all summer and contributed to my education costs more than I have done before
3. I paid for my holidays and travelling by myself
4. I shopped and bought myself nice stuff, I didn't have to steal money like some people did when I was younger
5. I gained more social confidence
6. I gained more general confidence
7. I figured out my plans for the future
8. I discovered my purpose
9. I got closer to God
10. I withstood peer pressure and did not go drinking on a weekday
11. I was able to retake tennis
12. I played tennis with strangers
13. I learnt how to make friends with complete strangers
14. I showed respect for other people's cultures.
15. I developed extraordinary resilience
16. I developed extraordinary patience
17. I learnt making mistakes is not a bad thing, I always picked myself up quickly
18. I learnt more about myself
19. Learnt more about my learning style
20. I gained more wisdom to help me make a bid for deans list
21. I worked on my family relationships
22. I worked on my relationship
23. I bought gifts. I paid tithe and gave offering.
24. I incorporated healthy eating to my lifestyle
25. I ate early dinners
26. I ate 3 meals a day mostly
27. I gave my laptop away
28. I did not worry about money

Shop Etiquette

If you decide to walk into a high end fashion store and notice that the attendant ignores or snubs you. don't be discouraged because this is a front and in this scenario you are the customer and they the servant. When you want to take a look at an item, look at the attendant and say very audibly," excuse me I need help here" stare at them ignore their body language.
They will come eventually because if they don't and you complain thney will get into trouble and what more you may get a good discount. When they come feel free to ask for whatever help you need even if you don't intend on buying. This always works to elevate your self confidence and remind them that they need you to spend money.

Long Island, NYC, 2008

What I really want

I'll tell you what I want,
I want continuous attention
I want to be the center of attention,
I want to be attractive,
I want to be sexy,
I want to have many admirers,
I want to turn heads when I walk up the road
I want to feel accepted
I want to be loved

Love came early

Today I stand ,

guiltless i stand,

victim I have become,

dilemma is my inflictor,

i stand in a place of pain,

because I am at war within myself,

I am undone in more than one part,

my pieces are scattered in my mind

today my thoughts have refused to be collected,

in the other side everything i have worked

on the balance hangs love

and common sense

and they have parted ways

and i am left in the middle,

hopeful and torn,

i am split in the middle from my head through my chest to my feet,

my muscles have refused to flinch,

they also are in the middle,

Love offers peace of mind,

safety from rejection,

honesty at all times

love offers security for insecurity,

love offers shelter from the rain,

food in times of hunger,

a lap for my head in troubled times,

loved offers a smile to calm my stormy heart

a voice to soothe my wounded soul

she shows trust in her hands,

a willing companion

a suffering friend

when i flinch in my sleep love rubs my back to soothe me

Today love came early

alas I cannot love,

I am at my wits end

love demands too much of me

love demands me to tread on unknown territory,

to walk blindly

to turn away from the very logic that has kept me this long

love came early

love asks too much of me

for if I love I will walk in a foreign land with a foreign tongue

today love came early

today love demands that I give it all up

I'm right brained, whoopeee, or wait is it?

I was doing some research on learning styles as I prepare to launch my bid for the Deans list. I came across a test that showed you what side of your brain you use more. I discovered I am right brained. The following article about right brained, was a relief because I finally found someone who was telling me that my behaviour was kind of based on the part of my brian I used more dominantly. I actually used to think I was alone and special, because people just did not get the way I thought or acted. I think there are lots of left brained people in this world thats why.
Your dominant side doesn't mean a permanent side its just a side you tend to naturally use more than the other. So you can develop the other side too to be more balanced.
As you will see the typical righty does not conform to conventional ways of doing things, in terms of math and spelling I'm a lefty. You may get the impression that a righty is...well...dull! Thats because our eduction system has a "leftist" design and approach. So in order to learn the righty has to improve their left side.

The site is http://frank.mtsu.edu/~studskl/hd/learn.html

300 bucks for Toronto

On a recent trip back to Toronto. I set aside $300 for all costs because I know with Toronto the problem is not the cost of items, if you look well you will find a deal. Its just so much stuff to spend on. It is a whole new expense problem. In smaller cities its probably the cost but there its the fact that if you don't cap your budget you will buy till infinity and not stop.
For instance I went looking for jeans, we went into FCUK which had sales so the jeans were in the $80's, we went into guess and their jeans were in the 70's. My thighs were too big for those designs ( i'm not a skinny guy with no bum, I'm an ex-footballer, 36" waist and thighs that fit in a 40" leg.) We decided to go into Holt Renfrews and boy, I could spend 5,000 in there and come out with a pair of jeans. So it was a good idea to cap my spending.
The same applies to eating I could easily purchase a $3.00 pizza meal at the dominion or I could go and spend $30 a plate at club met for a well cooked meal that from experience would satify me as much as a pizza. I could do $50 at Sassafraz for a meal that barely satisfies but hey who cares I'm sitting in one of Yorkville's finest rubbing shoulders with the stiff nosed sort . Price is nothing, if my charm works well I could bag myself a lady who has enough credit for both of us. Lol. How about the CN tower where a friend spent $300 for a 3 course meal.
I know this is random but my point is good thing I capped my spending else today, a week after, I'd be asking so... what happened to all that money?

Human rights in the news 2

A group of fishermen sued theCanadian government of disrciminatory policies because they felt that by allowing natives indians to start crab fishing a couple of days ahead it was discriminating against them.
The judge ruled against the because it said as much as the governments law says they cannot discriminate it also encourages them to implement policies that help disadantaged races

Is this the end?

I am mike I'm black, I grew up here.
I always had girls all over me from my young years.
Now I'm in college I don't seem to have a career direction.
I have no drive build a career.
Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.
I think there is a problem somewhere in my past,
its influencing my attitude to my present.

I had all sorts of girls all were very beautiful,
I had girlfriends, acquaintances e.t.c
bottomline is the finest were mine!
Through junior high and high school
I worked at the grocery store as a floor cleaner,
it felt embarassing but I didn't mind.
Even if i had no car,
I always got picked up by a different girl.
I spent most of my free time on the phone,
I was the envy of my schoolmates.
I won't say as much anymore,
it seems like they are all in some university or the other.
Doing some lucrative trade ,
which they learnt during our summers in high school.
while I was mopping up the floor at the grocery store.

I always thought myself to be better than them,
they never got the girls and I did.
Now in the next couple of years they will have lucrative careers ,
I fear the table will turn.
Even right now most of the girls from my grad year don't talk to me.
They seem to be busy doing something with their lives.
I feel like I was part of their experimental phase,
now they are serious I have no part to play in their lives.
I seem to be getting attention from high school students younger than me
they are probably in their experimental phase too

I am still the man I won't lie to you I always have been.
I laugh at all these uber serious people.
No matter how serious they are
or how much they make.
They will never get half as nice the girls that I have been with
or am dealing with right now.

I don't know what to take in college I don't care
everyman works hard so they can make money
to can buy toys
to attract women.
I on the other hand have the stereotype of the african
that has got me girls without a career
my life is good
I am in school because I am supposed to
thats what they said you do after high school.
Never thought about what i want to do in the future,
i'm not about to start,
this is the life.

Then said I,
I'm guessing you're asking for my advice?
I'll give it anyways!
You see those girls?
they won't find you that attractive when you're 30
with no career .
still mopping the floor at the grocery store,
this is a fad you are living!
You are far from the ultimate goal.
Life doesn't end when you get girls,
Life only begins when you start to make a difference in the world.
When you start to achieve goals you set for yourself,
no idea what goals to set for yourself?
There are starving kids in Africa.
Hint.
Check your thoughts!
Getting girls is not the end.

The town of fathers

They sit in a circle drinking beers
sharing wartime stories
love and lust stories
these men had lived quite fulfilling lives
they all hailed from the same town
grew up together
now it seems like once again they will grow old together

the twist is that they were all once married with kids
during different point in their lives they all seemed to divorce,
and move back to the town of their childhood
or their exes moved away from the town
now all you can see in the town are different circles
all elderly men
drinking away their sorrows
wondering what their kids now look like

are they tall are they short?
do they excel in athletics?
are they sleek with the girls or guys?
are they intelligent ?
what is their favourite flavour of ice cream?
will I ever see them again?

oh back to the conversation at hand
they can't be seen in any state of regret
in any state of reflection
they were raised as alpha males
they had to keep up appearances
"oh yes I remember when I chased a bear on foot ....."
this was his little insert
he had grown tired of this ritual
but this beat the sound of silence he heard when he went home
he'd rather drink after work
it made sleep come quicker
it saved him from the interrogations of his conscience.

when you walk this town
all you see is men
the women have all left
the town is too much for them
a spectacle like this never before has been seen,
a town of fathers with no wives and no children

Bus Trips 2

One of my bus trips brought me to meet a certain guy who looked 65 to 70 years old. He hailed from brooks he caught the 26 hour bus alone to thunderbay to attend his neighbour and her daughters citizenship ceremony. He caught it on monday got there tuesday, attended the ceremony and caught the bus on thursday t o get home on Friday. I was touched at this example of original Canadianness which is what I feel Canadians pride themselves on. This guy just proved to me that maybe the whole theory of Canadians being nice caring and open people could actually be true.

Assholes circus

Most girls he dated seemed to say that to him,
he started to believe he was one;
2-3 years after most of those relationships,
he talked to the exes and ironed out issues.
Hhe found out that he wasn't really an asshole!
they had a part to play in every breakup.
He wasn't an asshole afterall

Yyou see from major media outlets aka tv, radio and movies .
these exes had grown up thinking that if a relationship did not work for whatever reason,
then its the guys fault:
they will always be the victim,
its never the 2 of them .
they learnt that the word for this situation is "you're an asshole"

So they started their dating lives calling every ex an asshole;
It takes a person with a good supply of self confidence,
to ignore the incessant chants of asshole directed at them.
Words have power.
In a way they have created a circus of assholes;
a bunch of guys who seem to believe they are assholes.
they might as well behave like assholes,
they seem to be called that anyways .

relationships are not social exhibitions;
make an effort while you're in it ;
don't play victim ;
don't hide behind social cliches.

bus trips!

I don't think the gas price crisis are that bad, I have taken the greyhound bus a couple of times and I witnessed something amazing.
The return of humanness to humanity, as much of technophile I am I can't help but observe that technology wasn't serving its purpose in bettering humanity. It was sucking the human out of us in the name of comfort. We no longer have the boomboxes to share music with our friends we all carry headphones and MP3 players. Living in our own worlds and not caring about the next man beside us. So many more examples I noticed some amazing examples of the return to humanness due to the slowdown of technology.
Due to exorbitant gas prices lots of people have resorted to the greyhound for travel. On one trip the other day I hopped on the bus at medicine hat with a certain lady call her Kate. At brooks a bunch of scottish people hopped in the had just visited a relative who resided in Brooks. One of the tourists call her May, sat beside Kate. As they got to talking and conversing Kate found out that May was her relative who hailed from her family line. May was at the family reunion in Australia and the family lineage had Scottish roots.
If gas prices were cheap Kate would have driven to Calgary and May and her friends could have rented a Car and never have met.

haha

Haha
Love birds I guess they were,
going through the motions maybe,
he would leave work early
come home and do her hair
watch a movie or 2 together with the kids
those days they were the talk of the town

both foreign educated,
both had a car each
3 servants one for him 2 for her and the kids
blissful and perfect.
she would never let the servants cook for him
she'd leave her cosy job to be home to make him dinner before he returned
she was the ideal wife patient, forgiving, hardworking.

he was never seen hitting his kids but once,
took them on trips to the zoo,
took them jogging with him
they would sneak out through the back on sunday evenings
they would jog while he played soccer with the university kids
what a man what a family what a life!

both were cosily employed
one's family was richer than the other
but that was just what made it perfect
kids were catered to, always happy
its hard to create such a perfect family
haha,
one day the kid woke up
was in the room with his parents
he had just witnessed a slap.

Nature within me

You're the one I wanted to be with,
I longed for you.
I saw everyday passing with you in my arms,
with echoes of your voice still fresh in my ears.
I enjoyed that I could daydream of you,
forget today's worries and tomorrows challenges,
what paradise.

Then it struck!
hard!
I always feared this day would come
when it would permiate through
the thing I feared the most,
and I am helpless to this
I feared it would happen,
today it has struck,
not once,
not twice but three times it struck

Its like a switch in my head once it goes off
I lose control,
I had no time to get to the root of the problem before it struck,
the root is probably from my childhood,
some trauma I'm sure,
I know it can't be fixed in a day,
I didn't have enough time.

why o why me,
oh how I tried to suppress this nature within myself
I fear my dreams of us will be splinters after this,
I don't think I will ever get a chance at the happiness of companionship,
because everytime I think I'm there
my weakness becomes strong.

today I slept another woman,
today I struck.

Umuntu

I stand outside the cage,
everyone is asking me to come back inside,
"come" they say
why enjoy freedom when you can be tied up
why talk about whatever you want.
we don't do that where we're from.
"I know" I said
"thats why I'm free"
I can talk about whatever I want to anyone I like now.

They said to me "you still have to follow rules"
rules that governed our culture,
I believe you also do not follow all the rules of our culture
you pick the rules you break,
you judge others for breaking the ones you decide to follow

I suffer in silence and you are content
you like the status quo,
you'd rather talk to me without knowing about me,
a convenient friendship,
well I'm not interested.
I'm tired saying one thing to you
while something else killing me inside,
tired of putting up a show when I'm around you
"as culture dictates" no longer applies to me.
I will choose those cultural rules that will help me,
not those that will keep me bound.

I will no longer be a part of this charade.
This circus of pointless jests and jeers,
while there more pressing issues on the burner.
I understand its inevitable we may have to part ways
I'm fine with it.
I want to say things the way I see them,
I understand I will be judged
I'm ready to pay the price,
the price of being me,
I want to tell the ups and downs of me,
I don't want to sit alone and suffer it myself,
I want to share it and be human,
Be a part of Umuntu.

The need to please you

I don't know you but I want to make you happy.

You don't know me and you don't care.

I want to make you comfortable,

you couldn't be bothered.

I don't want you to be scared around me.

You still are.

Everytime I see you I smile and say hi

You seldom reply.

When you ask me a question I answer.

Unless you are obliged, you don't care to answer mine.

when you are behind the counter serving me I'm polite

so you don't get stressed by me.

If I was behind the counter you would

talk to me like I am incompetent.

I don't want to come off as a stereotypical black guy.

No matter what I do to please you today,

Every morning I wake up I have to do it all over again!

what life is this?

was I born to please you?

Mr Oyibo?

what is it about you that makes me care so much what you think about me,

care how you feel around me,

is it the stereotypes of my race I see on tv, in the news,

I overhear in conversations,

why do you always finds ways to put me down,

why am I even trying to please you

I'm educated like you,

I have money I don't need yours,

What culture is this that I was born into,

that says yes sir to a stranger like you because of the colour of your skin

and you never care to reciprocate it.

I'm tired, I'm done.

No more hello,

no more caring about how you feel,

you don't want to be convinced, you are happy the way you are.

The way you have things I'm bad, you're good.

Put me down so I can keep being subservient

enough is enough!

girl from oromo part 2

well sorry my fellow university student for offending you

I just feel that the rules have changed hence you can't keep fighting

with the same rules of speech and humanity towards each other,

its a very good speech but it doesn't pay the mortagage,

you should look at levelling the playing ground .



racism in Canada is well hidden these days

nobody will come out and accept it exists

unless you have something that they can relate with: economics.



this girl from oromo began to heap up insults on me

because of my "properness"

"this conversation isn't going anywhere,"

i say to myself, because his girl is trying to attack my self confidence

to make me feel bad for being who I am,

about the way I was brought up,

about going to good schools and learning proper manners,

about being eloquent.

I look at the book's she's reading for homework

and wonder to myself,

"whats the point?"



The problem with her approach is,

I have an excess of confidence

so whatever she is saying doesn't really faze me,

I have been where she is before,

I had my ghetto phase so I don't feel the need to impress her

by becoming something I already figured I wasn't,

we are 2 of the same fighting the same battle from different flanks,

different aspects

lets respect our opinions and ideas,

we don't need to tear ourselves apart then there is no progress made

lets unite, respect each other and continue fighting,

girl from oromo, thats not the way to fight the fight.

sojournings in the Hat

girl from oromo

"Look at you " she said
"talking all proper english, you're a sell out"
these words rang through my ears
as I looked at this girl from Oromo,
I was confronted, because I spoke properly.
I never saw this day come,

she was an activist for equality,
she went to my university
I am a visionary who believes in financial power,
who believes the way to eliminate racial discrimination
is to gain financial power and to communicate effectively,
I explained my financial power theory to her

"slavery", said I, "was not born out of racism,
you see after the famous christopher columbus and co. found the west indies
there was a need for manpower
the natives were't used to such harsh conditions
and caught diseases of the europeans
and were dying
the europeans under indentured servitude
were becoming costly because the servants would go back and sue for money in europe
That was when they found the african man,
strong and could do the same work 3 natives will do
they did not sue, they were healthier,
at least the one third that did not die on the voyage,
they were profitable and economical
slavery was borne out of economics
out of a lack of protection in the law for them, there was no financial consequence to it"

If you have financial power i said to her,
any cop will think hard before harassing you unduely
you could have under your employ
a certain amount of people who will be jobless if you go to jail,
which doesn't fare well for the tax coffers,
you could be contributing a large chunk to the city budget
hence the cop's pay cheque
so he should know you're better off to the city outside jail than in it,
if he doesn't someone will tell him,
he has a consequence"

you see I intend to be wealthy
I intend it so that I can buy change for some,
motivate some also to work hard and be wealthy,
to create a sense of consequence for racial discrimination.

nothing changes in this society
unless somebody's cash flow is threatened,
or unless someone stands to gain something from it,
you should look at selling you idea from an economic standpoint
"economics" she said, "hell no, I'm communist to the core, and you
mr should be ashamed of yourself speaking the whiteman's language,"

to be continued....

David Momoh 2008

responsibility

Tomorrow when I wake up
I will be reluctant to put my feet on the ground
because I am not ready for the responsibilities I have to face
I will try to keep my feet in bed for as long as possible
because I don't want to sign in to life for the day
when I was a kid I was eager to run out of bed
and play all day wishing for the day I would be grown
now I'm grown I am reluctant to put my feet on the ground

My friend on my friends list died

I wish I sent you more messages,
I barely knew you
We were connected
only because we met twice in another country
You were one of the 400 on my friendlist

One of the ones I never talked to
by facebook standards we were considered as friends.
no conversation ever transpired
I thought it was ok to have you around as on my friendslist

now I heard you're dead
I'm confused
you were right there
I should have at least said hello
and got to know you more
I had a direct line to you
you weren't lost somewhere in the world
you were right there on my page
now you're gone

I'm left wondering
was having you on my list good enough
how many other people on my list would die
how many other people will I conveniently abandon
on my friendlist
Your death is a lesson to me
I've been doin it the wrong way all the while.

neighbour's food

"you child begs my children for food"
the neighbours always complained to my mother
thats a memory past that still lingers sometimes
I did not know what begging was
all I knew was that their food smelt good
I wanted to try it
when they had to leave in the middle of playtime to eat,
what was I supposed to do
sit and wait for them to return
as a 5 year old I followed.

my pride was hurt whenever I got scolded for begging,
begging for food when I had lots at home
these things were way over my head as a 5 year old
why did I always go to their house?
I don't know because they are my friends?
but truth was I never remembered begging,
I was living in the moment,
an innocent moment shouldn't be taken as anything else

Now I remember why I never asked for help,
because the lesson I learnt
was don't ask anybody for anything
lest they take credit for your success
now I'm 24 and I realize no man is an island
and I remember why I've been an island this long
because of my neighbours food.

freedom

It was bad,
I prayed and I fasted,
I still fall everyday,
its better but I want it to be gone,
I feel I'm good then you show up
and I never feel good again,
I condemn myself,
I denounce you,
then I run back to you
I carry the weight around with me everyday,
the chip on my shoulder,
no one really knows half the time
what I'm thinking about

you are the one I loathe the most
but in my weakest moments
you show up with the right words
luring me right back to you
oh how oh how will I rid myself of you
no one seems to be able to help me,

sometimes I feel helpless
close to depression
I call myself back to consciousness
I'm not the only one
that has you
I'm not the only one suffering in silence
the guy next to me is going through the same

He is also a slave in chains of silence.
he will never be free like me
as long as he remains silent
today I stand to lose everything,
today I stand to gain my freedom,
naked I came naked I will return
I am not ashamed to say anymore,
I've fought this in your turf for too long
I an changing the turf,
I'm addicted
yes I'm struggling with pornography +
now you know ,
now I'm free.

will I ever see the rain

it never doth rain but it pours,
I want to see the rain
I want to see it all come down from start to finish,
i want to be soaked in the drops fromt he sky
I want to smell the freshness of nature in my nose,
So I can feel alive
it never doth rain but it pours and when it does I want to be poured on

don't like me

I'm David I don't want you to like me
I'm not chasing you,
maybe I am,
I just want you to feel comfortable around me
because if you don't then I can't either
then we never get to know the real each other

don't like me but don't step on me and ignore my messages and calls,
did I offend you? tell me?
or do you do it to feel better about yourself.
Why are you in my phonebook and my friendslist
if you never say anything to me,
I have no bevy of ladies at my beck and call
but I'm still a person.

when you see my missed calls,
when you get my messages,
what do you think?
he's trying to get with me?
its quite irritating when an effort is made to talk to you
and you don't make the effort to reply.


maybe I see you liking me in 5 years or so
but not now. really.
I believe we could take it slow and learn about each other patiently,
best thing that would happen is that we would become friends
I'm David I don't want you to like me

Scrooge

So I meet you and I take you out?
maybe I pay for the outing?
or we can go drinking andI try to impress you with my knowledge
of spirits,
I buy a bottle or two
now you know I can afford it,
now I'm more acceptable to you.

I wear expensive clothes maybe?
or maybe just have the right expensive accessories
I just seem to be able to take you out randomly when you are down.
It makes you happy doesn't it?
you can always do what you feel like,

All fine and dandy like a friend says,
but when the tab comes I'll be the one to pick it up,
Its pretty confusing to me,
because the story of my paper trail is a complex one you have never heard
all you know is that I have no problem spending
I'm financially secure
So I qualify to be a bosom buddy

Do you know about the 3 jobs? the late shifts?
the academic struggle,
the distances I travelled to make a good income,
what were you doing with yourself then?
were you also making an effort?

do you think it's because you're good looking,
or is it because I want to belong to your "class"
what substantial thing will you offer me
that will compensate for the hardwork
and sacrifices that were made

is it sex? I could pay for that with the money
I use to take you out,
don't expect much respect from that,
what is it that you will do for me
that will make me feel like I'm not just spending but I'm getting in return

the pain of the sacrifice and loneliness
in a foreign town,
foreign conversation
how about 6 years in a foreign land
Learning a new culture while you were comfortable at home
no need to readjust or anything

what is your own story?
what struggles do you face concerning the future?
has it always been handed to you in a silver platter
and you eat from a gold spoon?
did you have anything you did to improve yourself,
are you looking to marry rich and take the easy way out?

now I see you and all you are looking at is my pocket,
All you want to do is spend,
it scares me and you scare me,
now I'll be a scrooge till you can tell me
what can you offer me?
what else can I offer you besides financial security.

Copyright David Momoh 2008

many faces empty spaces

Who are my friends I was once asked,
I couldn't answer
is it the 4 or 5 people i talk to all year round?
what of the over 100 numbers on my phone,
or is it the 400 friends I have on facebook?
I don't know,

Sometimes its me not saying anything
sometimes they don't say anything either
sometimes I make contact and never got replies,

Whats the point of the all the occupied space
When I want to talk to someone
I feel like there is no one
I guess there are many faces and empty spaces
I guess until you see the skeleton in my closet
You will always be a face

Th colours of me

I will paint myself with a lot of colours and hopefully you get a picture of who I am. I believe to understand who a person is you need to understand where they are from. I don't know if I should give my name in the blogosphere because I'm new to this but I'm David from Auchi in Nigeria. That should be general enough

I'm Nigerian and I'm an Engineering student in Canada chasing the dream. I come from a single parent home and my mum works hard to send 4 kids to school in another country. She wants us to have a better life than she did. Its hard to figure out what she means. I always got the important things in life aka good education in the best schools, food, almost daily devotions for Godly instruction, a good neighbourhood to grow up in and so much more.

When I was in primary 3 I knew I wanted to make cool gadgets and school in America. Well schooling in America was a sort of compromise for my mum not letting us go to L.A. to stay with our dad. She said the environment was not safe for kids and when we were old enough we would go to school in America.

As you will find a my mum's influence is still strong, I'm 24 years old and in my daily decision making I still remember the things we learnt in our daily devotions. I hope to be able to give my kids the same or better upbringing than I got myself.

So I am going to be richer than Bill Gates, I'm going to be the richest man in the world. Why you ask do I need all that money? I feel that there is a lot in this world that cannot be changed unless you have a fat pocket. Like oppression of the poor and weak, helping the poor genuinely without having your money spent on administrative costs by NGO's. Fighting child trafficking and slavery, stopping illegal sex slavery. Things that no one will change unless you have some sort of financial power.
I have to split the different sides of my story because they are quite intricate and each forms its own story. My life is quite a story, successes, failures, rebounds from failure, adolescence.
I hope to tell my story bit by bit depending on how comfortable I feel in the blogosphere.